Shopping ….
I was once hailed by my very own mother as a ‘shopper extraordinaire’ who could shop for a whole wardrobe at the speed of light. Of course that was before children…
The best laid plans of being out of the house (which is 100km’s away from the ‘good shops’) by 9am have still, after 4 years of child rearing, not happened.
Remember the time you could shower, dress, pop on some make up and the only thing you needed to make sure was in your bag was a credit card? I’ve seen men in the armed forces pack fewer utilities than what you need to take on a shopping trip with kids. Not to mention the stops you make. We know all of the public toilets, play grounds and coin operated whizzy-ma-jigs within a 100km radius of home!
The smart money is rising before the children and showering without the risk of tom foolery happening in your absence. Much toilet paper, toothpaste, antibacterial and nappy cream have been emancipated during Mother’s showering times.
Secondly, you need to negotiate with Miss 4. She will undoubtedly want to take a generous selection from her toy boxes. Careful consideration is needed here. You will allow a toy that makes enough noise if dropped from a trolley or pram to be heard by yourself, but not enough that it should generate the onset of a nervous breakdown. Those things, such as the likes of whistles, tambourines, incessantly squeaking toy mice get to stay home.
Then you will negotiate an outfit with her which is both publically acceptable and suitable with the current weather. Here is where you suggest that a swimming costume over knickers and a favourite tee shirt is just a special ‘Sunday at home’ outfit and without ruining her childhood vivacity entice her to wear the items which you deem socially acceptable.
From here you focus your attention on Master Two, who if you dress too early will undoubtedly need to undress for a nappy change just two minutes before you’re finally out the door. To avoid talcum explosions, toothpaste mishaps and Vegimite stains, it’s best to leave his dressing until last.
You will indeed pack his nappy bag with a veritable treasure trove of pharmaceuticals, nappies, dummies, bibs, spare outfits, change mats and then as the morning goes on find yourself ‘just popping’ things into the empty crevices of the bag. The result is a bag so heavy that when left on the pram without a child in the seat the pram almost always topples over backwards.
So after an hour long journey into the city you finally make it to the shops. No time for sitting down and enjoying a latte while you carefully plan your attack, it’s straight off to the parents room for Miss 4 who is no doubt ‘buuuuustttting’.
Back into the prams and off you set with a neat little list in your hand. You weave in and around the people traffic with lots of ‘excuse me’s’ and ‘oops, sorry’, stopping every so often to retrieve objects thrown from prams or to briefly make purchases as quick as a roper in a rodeo event.
By 12pm you’re being hounded by the ‘we’re hungry’ calls from the pram and need to find repose for your weary legs and relieve your hands which are now holding a crumpled shopping list and struggling to restore blood flow from the shopping bags. So you mow down a few more pairs of ankles in search of the food court and sooth the children with toy meals from one of the multi nationals whilst eyeing off Sushi for yourself, trying to calculate the risk of Salmonella. Hell, you might get a day off if you’re sick, so you buy it.
After lunch you try in earnest to buy a few more items, and the pram is starting to look like some sort of homeless person’s paradise with the mountains of bags and empty drink containers carefully packed past capacity. You do a ‘car run’ to empty out the pram and switch shopping vehicles. You pop the kids in a trolley and head for the supermarket to pick up the groceries before heading home.
The kids have truly had enough by now and are either crying, trying to escape, plum tuckered or just yelling at you that they want to go home. You foolishly bribe them with a sugary treat which will backfire on you later on the way home in the car. You’re lucky to complete this part of the mission without an elderly person inducing a fit of ‘supermarket rage’ where you’re left wanting to ram their frail little ankles with the full weight of your double wide haul of pantry necessities!
On the way back to the car park, and not before handing over half the price of your daily shopping expenditure in parking fees, you realise you have a headache that could equal that of what you imagine an aneurism to feel like. Interestingly, you dream of a vodka on arrival home rather than a panadol. In my case I’ll opt for both.
Yes… shopping with kids. It’s hard on them and not as much fun for you.
My top 5 tips for shopping with kids;
• Install an in car DVD player so they can relax on the way in
•Pack a lunch box with lots of healthy options. While you’re shopping they can help themselves.
• Pack an extra bottle of water and a face washer in a snap lock bag for those ‘sticky’ incidents. Beats spending your hard earned on baby wipes.
• Shop and park at the places where there are good children’s facilities. Large parent’s rooms where the kids can get out and have a run around without getting under foot are a great idea.
and.......
• No matter how much you want to, don’t ram the old lady in the ankles with your trolley. Kids copy everything!
