not being up the duff!

Pregnancy is a 40 week commitment with a special surprise at the end. The surprise is that even after you drop the baby, you still look pregnant for a little while after. Mum never told me that. Probably a fitting retaliation for all the years of torment she suffered with me as a teen in her house.

Some other things they don’t tell you? Swelling. Our first pregnancy came with some unwelcome fluid. Actually ‘some’ might be an understatement. Let’s replace that with ‘copious amounts of’. Yes. Much better.  

Other Mother’s will know what I’m talking about when I say you can go up a shoe size or more during pregnancy.  Your slim little ankles with the little blue bird tattoo and feminine chain delicately adorning your bony little talus? Yeah, well they’re now called ‘cankles’, and there is a distinct possibility that your blue bird will grow into a vulture.  Only, for me, it was only one foot. Awkward.  If only I hadn’t have eaten all those salty snacks in the first trimester, maybe the salt wouldn’t have invited the water into my ever ballooning body!  ... but the salt. Oh God how good was the salt!

You will, undoubtedly, spend a small fortune on products you’re sure were designed for overweight men and the elderly and infirm. First its heartburn medications, then its heat packs, padded seat covers and compression tights. Oh, and sexy underwear? It's rare. Think brassieres that could be mistaken for some sort of sunshade, and that’s not even the embarrassing stuff! 

Well, no matter. Sit down and have a glass of wine and chill out with a bit of Brie on a biscuit. HaHA! You can’t! Salmonella and Listeriosis are now your silent enemies.   Best you play it safe and pour a cup of raspberry leaf herbal tea instead. No, wait. That’s going to induce early labour. Best you have dry crackers. If you can keep them down!  

Have I made pregnancy sound terrible?  It’s not. Well, not for most people. The reality is that it's what you make of it. 

It’s such a short time in your life, but yet in that time you trump any other attempt you’ve had at doing the whole ‘homemade’ thing and create a person.  Is that not amazing? Some women manage to turn out perfect little humans in less time than the standard 40 weeks, quicker than a house can be built!  You make a whole little human, and all the nourishment they need for their time in the womb and then the six months thereafter.  Be amazed people! If Houdini could perform such magic we would have knighted him.

So… all the little things like swelling, not eating soft cheese and laying off the wine? Worth it. So, so worth it.