Pregnancy is a 40 week commitment with a special surprise at
the end. The surprise is that even after you drop the baby, you still look
pregnant for a little while after. Mum never told me that. Probably a fitting
retaliation for all the years of torment she suffered with me as a teen in her
house.
Some other things they don’t tell you? Swelling. Our first pregnancy came with some unwelcome fluid. Actually ‘some’ might be an understatement.
Let’s replace that with ‘copious amounts of’. Yes. Much better.
Other Mother’s will know what I’m talking about when I say
you can go up a shoe size or more during pregnancy. Your slim little ankles with the little blue
bird tattoo and feminine chain delicately adorning your bony little talus?
Yeah, well they’re now called ‘cankles’, and there is a distinct possibility that your blue bird will grow into a
vulture. Only, for me, it was only one
foot. Awkward. If only I hadn’t have
eaten all those salty snacks in the first trimester, maybe the salt wouldn’t
have invited the water into my ever ballooning body! ... but the salt. Oh God how good was the
salt!
You will, undoubtedly, spend a small fortune on products
you’re sure were designed for overweight men and the elderly and infirm. First its
heartburn medications, then its heat packs, padded seat covers and compression tights. Oh, and sexy underwear? It's rare. Think brassieres that
could be mistaken for some sort of sunshade, and that’s not even the
embarrassing stuff!
Well, no matter. Sit down and have a glass of wine and
chill out with a bit of Brie on a biscuit. HaHA! You can’t! Salmonella and
Listeriosis are now your silent enemies. Best you play it safe and pour a cup of
raspberry leaf herbal tea instead. No, wait. That’s going to induce early
labour. Best you have dry crackers. If you can keep them down!
Have I made pregnancy sound terrible? It’s not. Well, not for most people. The
reality is that it's what you make of it.
It’s such a short time in your life,
but yet in that time you trump any other attempt you’ve had at doing the whole ‘homemade’
thing and create a person. Is that not
amazing? Some women manage to turn out perfect little humans in less time than the
standard 40 weeks, quicker than a house can be built! You make a whole little
human, and all the nourishment they need for their time in the womb and then the
six months thereafter. Be amazed people! If Houdini could perform such magic we would have knighted him.
So… all the little things like swelling, not eating soft
cheese and laying off the wine? Worth it. So, so worth it.
