the dreaded flu!

 We’ve been in bed a lot lately. There’s been lots of horizontal action, with additional bodies in our bed and plenty of sweating and moaning. Yes. Our family has had the dreaded flu for the last two weeks.

It’s a long standing issue of mine that being a classy lady doesn’t come naturally to me. I’d like to be of class and grace like the Queen, but it eludes me. Indeed there is photographic evidence on our wedding day of a bride reaching deep to retrieve undergarments from whence they should not have rode. Classy.  Influenza does not help my cause.

I woke up on the day of my last exam shaking like a leaf, with a throat that felt like I might have gargled acid and with a head which throbbed with every step. My voice had changed too. It was a cross between an aged lady who’d smoked a pack a day all her life and someone who worked for one of those $4.95 per minute call centres. Hot.

It’s such an unattractive illness. There’s the cough. A hacking cough which has bystanders witnessing the sound of phlegm ricocheting around your airways. Sexy.

Then there’s the vomiting. Pulling my car over to fertilise the roadside near Roberts’ on my way home from the exam wasn’t on the agenda, and I don’t think I’ve ever blushed and wretched at the same time before.  No class points there.

I hopped back in the car and imagined that if I was a cartoon character they’d draw me with a red bulbous nose, bloodshot eyes, white skin and a sick green haze trailing my infectious bag of aching bones. What a birthday present!

My biggest nuisance is boogers. As a student nurse and mother I am comfortable with most bodily fluids, blood does not faze me. I can change a colostomy bag as if I were arranging a vase of flowers, but boogers, oh boogers really are a cruel thing to make a lady suffer. Does the Queen even have a sinus cavity? Or is it that she is afforded the time to hide in these situations? I argue it’s an impossible task to emulate her highnesses ladylike qualities otherwise. But then, a lady probably wouldn’t discuss any of this anyway!

So to those who are suffering with colds and flu’s right now, bless you; get better soon. I know how you feel!

Bacon. The third vegetable.

Vegetarians, look away now. For the last three months I’ve been on one of those health kicks toted by a popular television personality. It’s been great, and I’ll go for another twelve weeks, but one thing I’ve missed is meat from the magical animal. You know which one I’m talking about… the pig. Oh dear bacon, how I’ve missed you. Oh juicy rasher of artery narrowing goodness, let’s never separate again.


You can always find bacon at our house. There is nothing that can go wrong with bacon; it is good in any form. Our whole family agrees and it’s not just us. I hear a farmer down near Owen Parks even calls bacon the third vegetable!


How do I love thee bacon, let me count thy ways… Well first of all there’s good old bacon and eggs. What Sunday didn’t end up great after a big fry up? Then there is plain old goodness to fatness rashers wedged between two sodium laden pieces of fresh bread with sauce. Too pedestrian? Well let’s dice that swiney goodness up and fry it before sprinkling it over an oyster. Swish piggy!


I’m not done. Bacon bone soup? Yes please. A big bowl of hearty bacon soup can solve a whole head full of worry, and I have heard tales that making it brings the rain. Miss Six would make a pizza entirely from bacon if she could, and I personally can’t go past a good Caesar salad.


I know I’m not alone. The bacon fans out there are already thinking about their next taste. Apart from ethical reasons, I see no rational reason someone could be adverse to it. Maybe they haven’t had it cooked nicely; maybe their first experience was an inedible barbequed egg and rubber band rind-on piece of bacon served on stale bread? Heck, I nearly had my perfectly cooked bacon sandwich stolen by a horse recently, yet further proof that bacon is hard to resist.


We live on a farm here in Balaklava, sans swine. I suppose that’d be a little bit like letting Imelda Marcos run an online shoe emporium. None would ever leave the warehouse! Local industry can count on our family to keep purchasing (and really enjoying) product from sources close to home. Hurrah for bacon!




*This column published in The Plains Producer 06/06/12

Anzac Day

Most Australians will know the date April 25, 1915. Anzac Day. What does it mean for you? What do you know about the day which inspires the public holiday?  Miss 6 thinks it’s the day we remember the men who went to war and died, and that we lay wreaths on statues to tell them we remember.  Her gorgeous little friend at school knows it as the day that, ‘men had a fight on the beach in Turkey and died.’  I suppose that’s the brunt of it.

Why April 25?

The French and British had many ships damaged in 1914 by the Turkish Army (known as the Ottoman Army back then) whilst using the Dardanelles in an effort to try and capture Constantinople (now known as Istanbul).  It was decided by the allied forces that the only way to gain control of the Dardanelles and re-establish communications with Russia, and the release of wheat and shipping in the Black Sea, was to invade from the shores first and occupy the Gallipoli Peninsula. This would hopefully subdue the Turkish fire and hopefully provide a better outcome.  A lot of men were going to be needed.

So, Andrew Fisher, our then Australian Prime Minister, vowed to defend Great Britain to, ‘our last man and our last shilling.’ It’s appropriate to remember that in 1915 Australians thought themselves more British than not, so loyalty was understandable.

On April 25, 1915, at 1:00am the Anzac men were woken and fed a hot meal, ushered quietly into boats, ready for the now infamous Gallipoli landing. Just before dawn, they arrived. 

For those who haven’t seen pictures of the peninsula, we’re not talking about a beach covered with long stretches of flat, soft sand. No, the troops were met with unforgiving terrain occupied with cliffs that seemed to rise immediately from the water’s edge, and whilst the intended place of landing is still hotly debated amongst historians (it is said that a much more topographically sympathetic landing point was intended), we now know this place as Anzac Cove.

 Today, we commemorate all Australian and New Zealand troops serving across all conflicts, all humanitarian missions and all peace keeping duties. .  

Anzac Day for the modern Australian is largely about giving thanks, remembering past hardship, and for me, about encouraging my children to learn that peace and happiness has come at a price, and should not be taken for granted.  

Their Name Liveth For Evermore

This memorial is dedicated to the South Australian servicemen of the Vietnam War, 58 of whom made the supreme sacrifice, depicted here with a Vietnamese Comrade. On April 25, we remember all conflicts, all contributions, all sacrifices. 

not being up the duff!

Pregnancy is a 40 week commitment with a special surprise at the end. The surprise is that even after you drop the baby, you still look pregnant for a little while after. Mum never told me that. Probably a fitting retaliation for all the years of torment she suffered with me as a teen in her house.

Some other things they don’t tell you? Swelling. Our first pregnancy came with some unwelcome fluid. Actually ‘some’ might be an understatement. Let’s replace that with ‘copious amounts of’. Yes. Much better.  

Other Mother’s will know what I’m talking about when I say you can go up a shoe size or more during pregnancy.  Your slim little ankles with the little blue bird tattoo and feminine chain delicately adorning your bony little talus? Yeah, well they’re now called ‘cankles’, and there is a distinct possibility that your blue bird will grow into a vulture.  Only, for me, it was only one foot. Awkward.  If only I hadn’t have eaten all those salty snacks in the first trimester, maybe the salt wouldn’t have invited the water into my ever ballooning body!  ... but the salt. Oh God how good was the salt!

You will, undoubtedly, spend a small fortune on products you’re sure were designed for overweight men and the elderly and infirm. First its heartburn medications, then its heat packs, padded seat covers and compression tights. Oh, and sexy underwear? It's rare. Think brassieres that could be mistaken for some sort of sunshade, and that’s not even the embarrassing stuff! 

Well, no matter. Sit down and have a glass of wine and chill out with a bit of Brie on a biscuit. HaHA! You can’t! Salmonella and Listeriosis are now your silent enemies.   Best you play it safe and pour a cup of raspberry leaf herbal tea instead. No, wait. That’s going to induce early labour. Best you have dry crackers. If you can keep them down!  

Have I made pregnancy sound terrible?  It’s not. Well, not for most people. The reality is that it's what you make of it. 

It’s such a short time in your life, but yet in that time you trump any other attempt you’ve had at doing the whole ‘homemade’ thing and create a person.  Is that not amazing? Some women manage to turn out perfect little humans in less time than the standard 40 weeks, quicker than a house can be built!  You make a whole little human, and all the nourishment they need for their time in the womb and then the six months thereafter.  Be amazed people! If Houdini could perform such magic we would have knighted him.

So… all the little things like swelling, not eating soft cheese and laying off the wine? Worth it. So, so worth it. 

The liver detox diet... 

Well that’s it. I’m on a health kick. Well, more of a health twitch, but the bottom line is that alcohol isn’t a part of my diet in the next few months. It’s probably not such a terrible outcome. 

Unfortunately, I turn into a bit of a foolish drinker. As though my brain regresses 15 years.

I think somewhere around the age of 17 or 18, somebody gave me my first nip.  Probably an old fairytale style witch in a hooded cape I should imagine, creeping out of the shadows she may  have passed me a small potion bottle with an iridescent elixir of schnapps. She would have pointed a bony finger at me and promised that if I drank it I’d be empowered with endless wit, charm, dance potential, and the ability to sing.  Like all evil witches, she may have deceived me...

Dear Evil Witch,

You promised this elixir would make me funny. When did making other people smell the lint from my belly button get funny exactly? 

You suggested this magical potion would make me charming. I refute the definition includes dressing up in sleeping bag covers and wearing pretzels for glasses. Who exactly am I charming? Captain Snooze? The elixir also gave me some gas. Again, charming for whom? We haven’t even touched on the swearing. I mean really, how appropriate is it for a lady of 33 to exclaim, ‘for fuck’s sake Max!’ every time she spills a drink down her soiled top? Hm? I suppose I should be thankful that I didn't moon anyone should I?

Dancing. You said I’d get good at dancing. I thought I looked like an African-American booty dancer in a Snoop Dogg video clip. But no, I return the elixir with the complaint that it seems to always inflate my arse and send it circling into neither a sexy or rhythmic pattern, almost as if it were a giant butt sized sparkler trying to write its own name in an imaginary dance floor sky.  I look happy though, I’ll give you that.

And then there’s the singing…

I drank the elixir. I even had a few extra doses to make sure my voice was pitch perfect. I believed it was.  So why after my fabulous rendition of ‘Hit Me With Your Best Shot’ did the staff at the footy club tape up all the glass wear in preparedness for my next turn? Only I didn’t get another turn on the Karaoke stage did I evil witch? No, instead when I lined up they bonked me on the forehead with the microphone and said, ‘no music for you! You’ve curdled all the milk in the udders of all the cows in a 100km radius and newborn babies have started to attempt ‘re-entry’’.

You win Witchypoo, this round anyway.  I’m going to be so sober for twelve weeks that my liver might even come out from hiding. I know it’s in there somewhere, I can feel a certain tenderness on my side…

Yours sincerely,

Karla

Free Giggles

They say laughter is the best medicine. And unless you’re incontinent, they’re right.

So as it turns out, I’m in great health. I suppose you can rack that up to the bagful of giggles I capture from Miss 5 and Master 3. Now, don’t get me wrong here people. They can also give me a closely associated version of incontinence, but primarily they make me laugh. Our kids are no funnier than yours or your friends, but you have to take time to 'hear' what they say to appreciate it. 

Often it’s the most innocent of actions or reactions that yield the best comedic value. One such example was Master Three’s reply to me when I said, ‘good thinking 99!’ Clearly uninformed about spy shows from the 60’s, he replied, ‘I’m three. Not 99, you know?’

 I found this slightly more funny than the time he did rounds with his basket on wheels in the local supermarket, stopping to quiz a man who was dwarfed. This didn’t make me laugh, but sparked another conversation that did. It went a little something like this;

Me: “Ben, God made earth interesting by putting lots of different people on it. If you think someone looks different to you, perhaps ask Mummy or Daddy quietly first and we’ll help you understand.” (There is a rookie parental error here, did you spot it??)

Ben:  “Who is God?”

Me: “He made Earth and everyone on it.” (Digging myself a hole here)

Ben: “Not me. I was made in your tummy.”

Me: “Yes, but God made me.”  (I sense I’m really losing the ability to convey my message here and start losing focus).

Ben: “Is God Gran??”

(Trying not to laugh and get off the whole failed subject)

Me: “Want a biscuit?’

Then there’s the mimicking. Want to know how you sound to your 5 year old when you give her a dressing down? Wait until she replicates your behaviour on her annoying little brother in the cubby house. If you’re not completely embarrassed you’ll laugh that this is how they see you.  You’ll hear such things as, ‘I don’t know why I bother,’ and ‘I’m going to count to three, and you’re going to eat this mud pie or it’s time out for you Mister!’ (I suggest intervention at this point, as Master Three has been known to eat the odd garden delight or two)… which leads me to;

Eating. If you don’t wretch, you’ll laugh. While attempting to get Miss Five to eat broccoli, I suggested she follow her brother’s lead and try some as he really enjoyed it. She replied, and quite accurately too, ‘yeah well Ben also eats slugs. So no, I will not try it.’ Her truth in logic was so profound that all that was left to do was laugh. Off course you shouldn’t take culinary advice from a pest eater!

Oh for sure, it’s all the little things that they say and do. Miss 5 informed me that Daddy Cool’s workmate had a daughter who went to her school, and that she was pretty sure she was, ‘in Miss Woodwork’s class’. It’s not the first time she’s gotten names confused, and sometimes we’re disappointed that we have to correct her because her interpretations are so much more entertaining. The man who mows the lawns in Daddy Cool’s harvest absence is known to our children as ‘Mr Garage’, not Mr Garrard as we write on the cheques. Our go-to agronomist is Mr Crayon, even though his email address has the name Craddock in it,  and Miss Five has enjoyed two years of dance training with the Heartburn family. I shall call them the Bernhardt’s.   And, let’s not forget Ben yelling out ‘Merry Christmas Mrs Human!’ to Mrs Neuman across the road. These giggles, often muffled so as not to encourage behaviours, are priceless and I hope we never take them for granted. 

CHRISTMAS!

18 Sleeps until Christmas!!! Ding Ding Ding!!  Is that sending you into a frenzy of mental note making? Such as;

·         Write Christmas cards and letters, and actually get them to all of the recipients this year,

·         make and hang a pudding,

·         dust off the Christmas decorations and pray you don’t find dead mice in them,

·         take the kids to the Magic Cave,

·         timing and booking your next hair cut and dye to make sure it’s fresh for the day, and for the hopeful week or two at the beach after, and

·         purchase a good supply of batteries for Christmas Day…. and what else….

·         Oh, and shopping. The SHOPPING!!!

Ah, it all sounds too hectic.

We put a lot of effort into Christmas don’t we?  Even the ‘simple’ affairs require some planning. I like it big though. It’s a fantastic time of the year, and just remember, someone was born in order to give us this privilege (I suspect it was John Sands or David Jones!).

We like the lead up to Christmas in our house. Little kids mean big excitement, and there are lots of local events such as ‘Carols by Candlelight’ and the street parade to fuel those feelings. There’s the daily fight over the Advent calendar chocolate (you’re no match for the estrogen monster kids, back down now if you know what’s good for you!), and then the count down in the unit of ‘sleeps’ and an abundance of Christmas music.  And if you’ve got a joker in the house, singing carols with alternative lyrics. Although, I’m not sure our kids will ever know what TAA was or, who Wonder Woman is, and what she lost!  

On Christmas eve, there’s the special sacrificial offering to FC of one of Daddy’s favourite beers, and one of Mummy’s favourite biscuits.  You know it’s appreciated kids, and I’m just waiting for someone to suggest that Santa actually really loves a bottle of champagne for the trip home. He’s probably a bit flash too, so best it be Bolly!

The traditions vary from family to family, but the sentiment is always the same. Unity.  It’s about coming together and celebrating life, breaking bread and sharing the day. It’s about remembering those who can’t be with us for Chrissy, and not punching the ones that can.  It’s about making ridiculous jokes over slightly blackened pork, pudding and bon bons. It’s about still laughing at the Uncle that manages to find a $10 note instead of a coin in his dessert, even though you’ve seen it 30 times before. And, it’s still funny. I still love it, and I can’t imagine never looking forward to it.

Then there’s the post lunch snooze off between the Dads.  It might be from staying up all night to put together trampolines and bikes that ‘have instructions written in foreign languages’ or ‘need another hole drilled here!” Or maybe it’s because the little people of the house wake before you’ve even entered that deep REM sleep to see if the big man in red has been?  Sometimes I feel that jolly old man gets far too much credit.  Did he get up at 2am for the toy sale? Did he suffer the trolley rage and smashed ankles in the race for the last of the good cheap ribbon?  No, nor did he have his perfect parked swiped at the last turn, or his feet swell up to look like puffer fish trapped in Langdon’s new season summer sandals. (Actually, maybe that’s why he has to wear those awful black gumboots – there are no elves, he’s been hitting the toy sales and has fat feet like me!)

So whatever your normal Christmas is, it would seem that it is nearing, and FAST!  Indeed there are only 25 days to taunt the kids with, ‘don’t do that, Father Christmas will put you on the naughty list’ and, ‘LOOK, did you see that? There was an elf checking up on you!’   So excuse me whilst I go find merriment in the house of May, and here’s fingers crossed for a successful district harvest, a safe and happy summer for you all and a very happy holiday season, because love it or loathe it, Christmas is coming!